November 18, 2012 by patrickpadget
“Oi’m a good girl, Oi am me ladyship. Oi ain’t dun nuffing wrong, Oi ain’t,” says Fanny truculently. “Oi was minding me own business down below stairs, readin Wimmin’s Weekly’s lonely hearts pages, when someone crept up behind me and took down me particulars and, then bold as brass, Bob’s yer Uncle, flash, bang, wallop, shouting “Geronimo!” all the while, slipped me a Wiener Schnitzel. And me still munching on a pickled egg and reading the paper!”
Give Fanny a little tickle to enchance your Downham experience…
“Phil McCaverty?” shouted Fanny, at first thinking it was the randy Irish chauffeur taking a break from driving one of the maids out for an energetic bit of pheasant plucking in the ancient Widdicombe Woods to pop down below stairs for a large portion of pork and chestnut stuffing.
“Then Oi fought it must be handsome Reggie Peacock, the virile young gamekeeper who’s always a-shooting his-self off up both barrels from behind if he gets half a chance! But, imagine me surprise when Oi turned round all smiling to see Lord Cuthbert there, trousers down, all limp and gasping for breath, nigh on death’s door. It wer only natural for a girl to revive the kind ol gentleman with a hot toddy and a finger of fudge me ladyship.” “Forgive me Fanny,” says his Lordship eventually when he has regained his composure, “I thought you were Mrs Trundall, the over-maid’s under-maid, she is normally here at this time and she usually spends a few minutes polishing up my horse brasses and discussing Renaissance porcelain.”
Lord Cuthbert, hearing of Lady Florence’s intervention, is furious and confronts her while she is sucking egg off her soldiers at breakfast time: “I have seen your Fanny,” he says “and frankly, I am appalled by these silly rumours she has been spreading. I do assure you Florence that it was all just a harmless bit of fun below stairs. Feeling peckish one evening, I popped down to the kitchen to see if there were any chance of a bit of toad-in-the-hole going spare and, finding Baxter backing out of the pantry, I suddenly found I was blocking her passage!” “Ooh my dear lord!” says she, “Do have one of these donuts!” “How on earth could I possibly refuse her? Nobody can resist donuts like Fanny’s!”
DON’T MISS NEXT WEEK’S WONDERFUL EPISODE WHEN AN OVER-FAMILIAR LITTLE BELGIAN ARRRIVES AT DOWNHAM ABBEY ….