December 2, 2012 by patrickpadget
“And you Mrs Trundall, over-maid’s under-maid, smiling sweetly as if ze butter would never melt in your bloomers! We have heard all ze while of your French-polishing skills in ze leg before wicket scenario und …” Piaget is silenced by a raised finger from Mrs Trundall: “Now, now you naughty boy Hercules, we don’t want to bring up your own little limp wicket problem again do we, not just at the moment?” Piaget glares at her sullenly but, finally and wisely, decides to direct his diatribe elsewhere.
“And you, ze so-called Lady Jane Rayner, you do not fool Piaget for one single minute standing there fondling your pussy!” And rushing at the bewildered heiress Piaget tears off her magnificent ball gown revealing a huge cock!
The cock lifts its head and crows loudly at the confused assembly and then flaps past Gilbert, who is still clutching the poker, and disappears up the chimney.
“All right Piaget I never liked you, you horrible little man! Always laughing at me and making me look foolish in front of my millions of admirers.” screams Lady Jane. “So what if I am not only a pussy-stroker but also a secret cock-fondler, there’s no law against that and many of the finest ladies in England are at it including Nigella Lawson, Sue Lawley, Theresa May, Princess Michael of Kent, Dames Vera Lynn and Judi Dench, and Frances de la Tour!” But, glancing at Lord Cuthbert, she knows that the game is up. The old gentleman has gone all stiff and is clutching at his trousers alarmingly. “Cuthie”, she says “please don’t worry it’s only the pussy, the cock and that funny-shaped growth on the side of my nose, I swear there’s nothing else!”
“And now for you, my dear,” says Piaget leering horribly at the Countess Patrizia. “What have you been up to? I think you know what I am referring to? Not ze Countess Patrizia van-Helsing Pargeter but Patsy Palmer-Tompkinson-Williamson-Johnson-Farquharson-Robertson-Peterson-Smythe-Wiggins-McCabe, ze notorious cat burglar better known as Pussycat Wilhelm!”
“All right guvnor, it’s a fair cop!” says the mystery woman in a husky voice like Fenella Fielding with a throat infection. “I’m here casing the joint for a heist next week with Dell Willenbruch and Jack the Hat Melton! You’ve got us bang-to-rights. I’ll go quietly!” She is led off, furiously playing Shostakovitch’s second violin concerto and doing a fine impression of Professor Stanley Unwin … TO BE CONTINUED NEXT SUNDAY. REMEMBER, STAY CALM AND DON’T PANIC! KEEP BOTH CHEEKS FIRMLY PLANTED ON YOUR CHAIR AND DON’T GET YOUR KNICKERS IN A TWIST!